So, are you saying that because of your prejudice, you question the character of people who practice monogamy?

That's pretty harsh, but understandable. Your example on racism is an excellent way to put it into more familiar terms.

Good luck, I suppose the first step to fixing a character flaw is realizing you have it in the first place. Good work :)

the reason we all have the characters we do is because we believe our ethics are the way things ought to be.

i don't quite agree with this statement. for me it is more true to say: ...the reason we all have the characters we do is because we believe our ethics are the way things ought to be for ourselves, not anyone else

for me part of being open-minded is not imposing how i choose to live my own life on anyone else. live and let live is my chosen perspective.

I've always known that you have no respect for monogamy, but I didn't know it was rooted so deeply. Perhaps this public admission will help you on road to tolerance? :)

Refreshing to hear someone admit this. I had many friends in the Indy poly scene who I would regularly accuse of being just as narrow-minded in their outlook towards those who weren't poly as they were constantly bitching people were towards them. Put simply, this group of people assumed that those who weren't poly were not so because of some character flaw, blind obedience to tradition, or "unwillingness to be honest with themselves". They couldn't wrap their heads around the idea that some people might have made a choice to be monogamous after reviewing all the options. For that reason, I had trouble making friends with that group because (as a monogamous person) I was regularly faced with my "friends" treating me like some repressed redneck when I have actually experimented with polyamory and found that, for me, it wasn't a lifestyle choice I wished to pursue.

autumnsshadow and i have a good number of monogamous friends, but most of them are monogamous on purpose rather than by default. they are the type of people who think good and hard about how they live their lives and make choices that work best for their personality types and life goals - i couldn't fault them for making different choices than me simply because they are different than me. i guess to me that's what being open-minded is about - accepting that each person has their own motivations and needs.


I'm not sure how one goes about correcting something like this, as most of my most vigorous work on self-development has all been internal and not social.

i think part of being open minded is being open to the idea that, even after thinking over all the same factors as you or i may have thought about, different people choose to live their lives differently than you or i would. i admire their thoughtfulness and self-actualization, and often, i find i learn something new by engaging them in discussion about their thought processes.

i find it often helps to ask some questions and determine if the person has never really thought about their choices, because more often than not anyone whom i have respect and admiration for a number of other reasons, has also likely given monogamy or lifestyle choices some thinking over too. by observing how they live their lives, taking the time to ask questions and coming to understand their decisions, choices, and reasons - i've learned a great many things about the world and myself.

i don't have admiration for people who blindly follow society's guidelines without questioning, but i can still accept that they are going to live differently from me and leave them (and myself by not being angsty or judgemental about their choices) in peace.

i have cultivated tolerance in myself over a good number of years by stepping back and observing my own reaction to other people. i evaluate my reaction, identify my prejudices and insecurites, try to understand the other person's perspective, and choose to let go of my emotional attachment to the other person's choices or decisions and the way those choices made me feel.

Uhm... That's a tough one. Recognizing one's shortcomings when it comes to an issue that is essential to one's life compass is big realization.

Be flexible, not all monongamus people are imposing their set of beliefs on you, neither do they do support the rigid thinkers who want to limit your self-expression through non-monogamy. Monogamus supporters to your social life are important. They help changing the perceptions of other monogamus people and defending your values.

Rigid thinking can be beautiful, but it limits choices too much.

This makes me ask then do you believe if they truly understood polyamory, they would change their ways? That true understanding brings about transformation?

I also have to ask what you mean by "selfishness". Do you mean monogamous folks deprieve others by insisting on exclusivity?

everyone has those things about themselves that they wake up and realize "hey, that kinda sucks - I should change that!" I've never really had that kind of thing about monogamy, but I found myself yesterday getting overly angsty and evil about a pro-life bumper sticker on someone's car. For whatever reason, my conditioning has trained me to assume that pro-life=crazy-Christian-doctor-killer-crazy-lady. And honestly, that's just not the case.

Good luck with your work.

I guess I've always thought of mono and poly as being very similar to gay and straight: some people are wired for one, some people are wired for the other (and then there are the inbetweens, but I'm not sure how that fits into this analogy.)

I know a few couples where one parter is poly and the other is mono, and it's pretty obvious that the mono person just doesn't have the urge or the capacity for focusing on more than one person. They're not repressing any desires, the desire just isn't there.

Clearly there's a difference between mono people who have thought about it and decided mono is what they want, and repressed poly people who make a mess of their lives by trying to pretend to be mono for the sake of society's mores, but again, I think that bears a striking resemblance to gay or straight people who've made a conscious analysis of their sexual orientation vs. closet cases who marry people of the opposite sex and then go out of town to hire gay prostitutes so no one will find out about their dirty secret.

I need people with beliefs that are drastically different than mine in my life because I know for a fact that my own perspective's skewed. While it's hard not judging people, I try not to for a variety of reasons. It's more interesting to try and figure out where our differences of opinion originate than just exclude any further interaction with them.

For instance, I'm not a religious person at all. I worked with a Mechanical Engineering student for nearly a year before I found out he was a devout Christian. One of the more interesting Electrical Engineering students I worked with is a Christian Scientist. He had some fascinating ideas about a number of things that I would've never even thought about if I'd categorized him as one of those stupid people that doesn't believe in modern medicine.

Please do not disregard the monogamus as being unthoughful, selfish, or otherwise not worth your time or effort. Monogamy is really quite a difficult choice, and one that needs to be made every minute of the day. As you say there are influences and opportunities that present themself constantly, and for the mono it can be difficult not to succumb. But there are those who do believe very strongly in their choices. Whether it is a wedding vow, or just some personal promise made, it means something to them. Those who do make the choice, have actually put a great deal of thought into their decission. Unfortunately like so many very personal decissions it is often hard to articulate why the decission was made.

To turn some of this around, the mono can say that it is the poly who is selfish. In the mono view, the poly selfishly refuses to give everything they are to another person. To devote themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually to their partner. Instead they spread themselves around taking what they want from others to satisfy their own needs without regard to anyone else.

Who's right, who's wrong? Does it really matter? Since you have decided that this is a character flaw in yourself, intolerance not polyamoury, you now have to make the choice of whether or not you're going to be more open to the monogamous and accept that someone who makes a personal choice is doing it for reasons that may only make sense to them.

For the record, I have been polyamourous, may be poly in the future, but currently for very personal reasons am mono. Its a choice I make daily, and currently require my partner to make as well. This doesn't mean that we don't have loving friendships with other people even of the opposite sex. It simply means that we don't have sexual relationships with other people.

well, it's brave of you to be that honest, but yeah, I actually find it a bit offensive. Then again, I've questioned the character of polyamorists more times than I can count. I admit to being suspicious as to the motivations behind polyamory, as it seems like it could easily just be used as an excuse to not take other people very seriously, which, by extension, seems like an ethical offense to me. But that's my instinctual reaction, not my intellectual reaction, which is more or less "eh, it's probably innocuous enough".

Then again, your story about that party seems to imply that maybe there is a real dark cloud to some of that lifestyle. But there's a dark side to pretty much every lifestyle.

I don't know where I'm going with this. But I realize there are some qualities in a person that are apt to make me doubt everything about them- for example, people who don't like animals seem deeply suspicious and arrogant to me. So, I guess I'm agreeing with you?

On a completely different note, you then have someone like I and m'lady.

As I think we previously discussed, we are happy with our poly status, but as have insecurities on the matter, we have agreed to go about our own ways but not advertise to each other; i.e., a mutually agreed 'understanding' [as the early 20s Brits would have said] that does not become mentioned publicly and remains unmentioned to most close friends/family. Is our methodology faulty or should we be lauded for coming up with an equitable solution that suits us to a T without requiring therapy?

Secondly, my entire purpose under polyamory would be in the nature of physical friendship - no severe emotional ties as seen in most relationships. I have a nearly complete disconnect between love and lust; love for me is a fairly platonic matter while lust is merely a function of the biology and thus may be satisfied as required without the turmoil of emotional love [but rather, friendly nature and liking]. How does that interact with most of the poly community? Could they stand such a dichotomy and actually respect it?

I should note that the last active poly relationship I had previous to marriage ended in no small part due to my partner's insistence on telling me in graphic detail every particular act she had engaged in. She simply could not understand that I REALLY DID NOT CARE and also DID NOT WANT TO KNOW. Unfortunately for her, she never quite got the hint even when I stated it plainly in the exact above fashion. :)

My thoughts on this may be somewhat convoluted and personal. But I'll do my best.

About two years ago, my boyfriend of eight years broke up with me. Before the end, he'd always been an emotionally open good guy, though in some ways somewhat narrow-minded-- um, say, firm in his convictions. He belived that an open marriage was a sign that you ought to get a divorce. He was also against the use of any and all intoxicants. And smoking.

When I started dating again, I didn't want to get tied down immediately. I ended up dating one boy, but tell him that he could call me his girlfriend, but that I would be dating and sleeping with other people, and if he couldn't accept that, he could simply not date me. He could date whoever he pleased in addition to me. He accepted, but wasn't particularly happy, insisting that he didn't want to date anyone but me, and secretly hoping that I wouldn't find anyone else I wanted to be with. I ended up also dating his best friend who knew the deal, accepted it, and also wasn't happy. Then I began sleeping with a coworker. And later, dating another boy who also knew the situation. I had a hell of a good time except for two problems.

1) The boys kept making it clear that they simply couldn't wait for me to come to my senses, return to my monogamous ways, and choose one or none of them.

2) They took up all my time. The best friends would parcel up my evenings between the two of them. I saw the coworker after work. And because I wanted to see the last one, I would reserve a day or two a week to see him. But I never actually got any time to myself. The trouble was that at least two of these people had no separate life outside of whoever they were dating, and wanted to spend every waking moment with her. So each of them had too much alone-time and I had none.

(Continued since I don't want to run out of space.)